Dr. Ubaid Khan Afridi Contributor
Suffering the Valleys Between Many
Humpty Dumpty may have fallen off a wall and remained broken, but real live children in the middle of circumstantial valleys like Covid-19 pandemics and divorce also fall into permanently broken hearts, broken homes, broken finances, and misunderstood social standings. Legal severances where they become vulnerable to be bruised again between various detached system heads like work or school to remain permanently bruised, kicked around, and beaten forever.
But what causes these minor children in the middle of supposedly comprehensive and valleys to be systemically battered?
Let us imagine the difficulties of an imaginary child named Lefty Lefty for the sake of this article. Lefty Lefty has been suffering through constant disputes between his parents for years and has been striving for the attention of his parents forever. The long streak of disputes among his parents in his life has rendered him seeking love and much-needed rapport which could take him forward in his life.
Upon the first written filing entered into your county's circuit clerk's office, children have no forms in their names. Just the two adult parties' have legal forms. Dynamics that then compact each other over months and sometimes years in a system of attrition. Which, unfortunately, often spills over into other professions like psychologists and social workers. And, sadly, children have no representation from the git-go and then language/stature barriers throughout. Think about it, can a child stand out tall enough to even ask for a table in court? What about asking county board members for a chair, pen, and suit person of their own in the middle? Or, do just the mom and dad sides get tables, chairs, pens, suits, representation, and favorable/unfavorable decisions?
That's the traveling journey, the life flow of many Lefty Lefty’s out in there society that we all know and love. But, who are inherently spiraling downwards due to the gravity of it all. Dyeing for an escape.
Lefty Lefty is not only traveling along through life with brokenness in many different ways, but with super complicated obstacles that the circumstantial valleys will absorb them with adulterating systems. Mind-sucks, financial sucks, stature sucks, and psychological sucks walking with poor little broken and bruised hearted children along jagged grounds forevermore.
Families of children in hard (sometimes permanent) parental separation cases often face barriers and sheek sheering diversions simply because the operators of those outsides systems have no belief that multiple parents should be included in a child's life. One parent, who strictly does not communicate with his ex might say, "It seems like every week something in my child's life changes as far as our child support account and visitation schedule, but we're stuck to an old static concrete paper contract that doesn't move with reality." Another parent might say, "Every year I'm left out of communications with my child's school. We organize, write letters, and go meeting with the principle to get inclusion, but then the following year it's automatic exclusion again." And still another parent said, "It seems like decade after decade I have one child who then travels through life with chains of parental exclusion, go to court, raise awareness, write and publish books and new laws, but nothing changes. Then I try to have another child thinking things could go smoother by not attaching him to court in the first place, but it's the same closed doors with exclusive school teachers, principles, boards, mail delivery, twisty phone calls, blocked social media, and diversions all around. I know that comprehensive systemic valleys are harder on children today than they were twenty and thirty years ago."
Legally separating systems like “family” law versus law, “family” court coliseums, “family” mediator reports, shrinks prescriptions, doctors, and mental health institutions spring up all over the place as needs be to adulterate the bruised and give decision-makers allies of support. Yet, in-between these circumstantial valleys are where the vulnerable children in the middle. The valleys grow, the rest suffer the most after any court-induced divorce sprawl.
Couples that file a case for legal separation or divorce must often go through many legalities along the way. Which I'm sure are meant to fill a need. But what some say is like having to wear ballerina shoes throughout, while driving a high-performance sports car to make all the appointments, having an endless bank account to pay all the fees, and a master’s degree just to understand, and a human GPS to navigate all those endless systems. That divorce process by itself through court is brain-draining, but both partners have to go through a large stream of thoughts and then actions sucking the life out of them like watching their financial securities being flushed by everyone down the drain. Mind-sucking to the children by association. This brings comprehensive persecutions to the entire family. But, more so, usually twice as much, to Lefty Lefty.
Legal separations, which are most often the separations among the couples due to the independent decision along with a twisty "family" court, often have bitter results and trains of back-end bitterness’s for the children involved. How does society treat these families?
Children are the anchoring point for both the spouses and those small, often petty disputes within the partners. "Hick-ups" that are often not at all important when it comes to the care of the children and family. However, inherent legal separation dynamics such as divorce when court interviens leaves an impact not only on the mental health, social health, emotional health, and financial health of the partners but also on the children. Adults who have separated usually have a support system of peers which they cling to and move on. But, the school-going children and teenagers fix the separation of their parents permanently in their minds without relief and these hits then become part of every thought process in their lives. Knowing they'll be bruised for involvement is their life flow.
The disputes beef themselves up to an extent where both the parents can not look up to each other nor deal with each other civilly. The only possible solution, in those case, is the legal separation of both parents. There are a set of rules which describe the stay of the child with either of the parents after the parents have legally separated from each other. These rules are made by social experts keeping in mind the age of the child and his financial needs as related to the financial income of either of the parents.
Nowhere in these rules does Lefty Lefty have a say about where he can go. The parents go through all the legalities of the separation after which Lefty Lefty has to go with one of the parents and has to adjust to a completely new environment and new relations with all the memories of the separated parent. In most of these cases, studies show the separated parents marry again. It is not always determined that the child would be able to adjust to the nature of his stepfather or stepmother. Just left without consideration...
In the father and mother case, various legalities come into their situation. The court can intervene and decide about the fate of the child, considering his or her age or mental state. After analyzing all the parameters, the court can decide living arrangements for Lefty Lefty even if the young parents drain themselves. Again, Lefty Lefty has to go through many adjustments to cater to the nature of his new parental situations. Again, it is not confirmed that he can completely adjust to the new environment around him. In such a case, the other services like Guardian Ad Litems (GAL) can weigh in to pivot his "home" again, taking him through the same cycle of adjustments which he started with. In all this fiasco, Lefty Lefty feels ‘left out’ of the normal love and affection other kids receive. As a result, long periods of irrelevance in the valley of homes and systems, failed adjustments leave an impact on his mind, after which nothing matters to him in his life because he has never witnessed real love, support and affection.
Such kids are referred to certified psychologists for their psychological therapy, keeping in mind the struggle they go through in their life. These struggles include a depressed state of mind, anxious feelings, academic stress, bullying from society, and social media pressures and boundaries. What will Lefty be when he grows up?
How would you fill multi-system valleys (full of losses and separation anxieties)? Please let us know in the comments below.
Pivot Lefty Lefty's Life Flow
How would you fill in the "Law versus Law" shortcomings all around, and for the long haul?